i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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