Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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