I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
