dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
