i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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