I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
