Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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