omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
