i may or may not be watching the land before time
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
