even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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