dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
