i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
