There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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