I hate all girls vehemently.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
