I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
