youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
