I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
