I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
