She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
you never un-have a 4some
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
