He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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