You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
We smell like vodka and hangover
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