if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
