i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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