I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
