If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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