I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
