So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
