Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
