dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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