I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
