You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
