so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
