hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
