i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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