I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize