I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
