She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
