I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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