Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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