I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
