I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
