I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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