got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
