I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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