yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize