she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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