Fuck appropriateness.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
