I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize