I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
