no, he came in my armpit
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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