Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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