the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
babies were throwing up all over the place
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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