watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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