he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
The power of my boobs compel you
Randomize
