I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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