I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
