smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
