There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
