You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
