I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
