i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
