He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize