new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Randomize
