Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
