Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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