In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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